


You want me to love you?

by de_sidera



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Blood, Dubious Consent, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Painful Sex, SHINKAWO, Smut, So much angst, What-If, after the infamous hyperventilation kissing scene, dubcon, manga!kaworu, shinji is a trainwreck as in Eoe, shinji is topping, u read it rite
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-12
Updated: 2017-07-12
Packaged: 2018-12-01 06:11:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11480313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/de_sidera/pseuds/de_sidera
Summary: Shinji pulled out his finger and observed his enemy: open, and yet without the cavernous voracity of a woman. Unnaturally open, clean, like a wound.





	You want me to love you?

All the bodies are foreign. A kiss is an attack. That's why Shinji pushed him away. Like everybody else, angels, men, women, everybody, everybody was the enemy, even him - who had entered his life with that horrifying innocence, looked for him, touched him, and now this – now he was watching him unpunished, and saying cold words about love. While Shinji was standing on his elbows, frightened and confused, at the head of the bed, with a hot pain under the pants zipper. He felt under his control. He felt under attack. Kaworu was so beautiful; more than anything, this made him a monster.  
“You want me to love you?”  
Kaworu nodded. Did he expect love to be pulled out of the desk drawer and handed at him immediately?  
Shinji sat. His wrists, his voice, were trembling. “Let's do a thing.”  
He scanned the enemy's eyes for a trace of alert but found none - there was just clear expectation – he grabbed his shoulders and slowly lead him to lie down. He was the most scared of the two because he knew what was about to happen. Kaworu didn't understand. Kaworu trusted him. He trusted him. He was exposing himself to Shinji. Shinji found him vulnerable and felt pity for him. Then he felt relief, he understood he could save himself and overpower him. But first he felt pity, and when he licked his lower lip and felt a sweet pain between his legs and said “I'm taking off your pants now” it was still there, the bitter taste of pity.  
Kaworu was silent. The signs of confusion on his face, supported by curiosity, were visible - as if he was learning a new skill and knew he even lacked the knowledge to understand the meaning of certain preparatory steps. This is why he didn't hinder Shinji nor did he have the readiness to help him. He let himself be undressed like a doll, even his underpants – that Shinji had the cowardice not to mention - he looked at him intently, as if he hoped to grasp on Shinji's face the meaning of those new and unknown gestures. Rei Ayanami crossed the Third Children's mind and went away like a sharp pain. Kaworu remained, his legs naked, the penis almost glabrous, and a casualness that resembled the most tested intimacy. With the t-shirt still on, it seemed he had quickly prepared himself to be used. Shinji started giving Kaworu's gestures the meaning of his obsessions, so as to understand him, to imprison him.  
He gave a warm sigh. He frowned, biting his lip. He was still afraid of that body: he didn't know what to do. He had been browsing pornography during sleepless nights at the konbini; he had been touching himself while giving his school crushes the plot of those disgusting things. But he had never thought of a body like that - so similar to his own – to use it for... He gave another trembling sigh and fearfully touched the white recess of those legs, asking them to part. He would do something, whatever felt right, he wasn't the most confused one after all.  
Kaworu watched more and more silently, more and more astonished - he must have thought himself at the peak of an intellectual indoctrination. Then he emitted a moan of uneasiness and was started on another path, decided by Shinji, controlled by no one.  
"What's this? It feels like going the bathroom. "  
"No, no... wait..." Shinji changed his finger, gave it a rhythm, and Kaworu had a different moan, like a flower.  
Shinji pulled out his finger and observed his enemy: open, and yet without the cavernous voracity of a woman. Unnaturally open, clean, like a wound.  
He lowered his trousers with an abrupt gesture, which left red stripes on his buttocks, and was on him. Penetrating hurt him, and yet he did not care. To have his belly between someone's buttocks, someone, how long he had hidden that brutal desire – to erase all the others.  
Kaworu gave a choked groan - then the painful thread of a scream - and contracted head to toe while Shinji, lost in his own satisfaction, ignored him. Fully conjoined to him, he came back to his face and found it profaned. Kaworu looked in the void, his mouth bent open in pain. He gave broken groans, like cracks that opened on a wall. His chest and his own went up and down, sweaty, one above the other, driven by different tides.  
“Kaworu?”  
“It hu... ah...”  
Shinji watched him suffer under his own body, shaken and rapt. It was not the Kaworu he knew. Seeing him like that, he felt closer to him, he wanted him to keep on suffering, to keep on being this similar to him... he helplessly watched this thread of violence and emotion plumb into his loins. Then he encircled Kaworu's hips. Planted the nails in his white flesh, holding back the urgency, till the last. Then he started destroying him.  
They both shouted and groaned, two different tragedies, mixed in the same pleasure - yet they were alone, and weeping different tears. Shinji pushed deeply, more and more deeply, his pain into the other, finally invading, and not being invaded, finally hurting, and not being hurt, finally dominating, not being dominated, finally reducing someone to powerlessness, taking them to his own level, finally crushing them, staying with them. Kaworu had lost himself. His mind shut away, he was all body, and all the extremes the human body could be taken to - he was experiencing them at the same time. It didn't hurt, it didn't feel good, it felt like his chest was on the verge of splitting and his soul ready to explode away. Rei Ayanami crossed the mind of the Fifth Children and left like a prophecy.  
Then he caught his breath.  
Shinji had stopped. He was gently passing his fingers around the white navel, the red marks he had left, the nice heat the skin emanated, the tender sobs that shook it. "Touch yourself."  
"...wha?"  
"Yes, like ... don't you even... ?"  
Kaworu blinked his glittery eyes and said nothing, with his semi open mouth that Shinji read as desire. He gently took his hand and led him to hold his own penis, so far abandoned in a physiological turgor. He slid it up and down, until Kaworu got the right pace, and then let him do it, and smiled at him timidly. Then Kaworu's crumpled look became soft and intense. He masturbated for him, and stared at him, while Shinji, spellbound himself, softly grinded his pelvis, still filling him up to the brim. Someone who got dirty for him. Someone who wanted him. Someone who wanted him. Frightened by his desire, he had no pity - he destroyed what he wanted before he could grasp it. He was ass fucking a boy. This was all he could aspire to. Disgusting. “Feel it, faggot” he thought, savoring Kaworu's humiliation under him, letting this thought come back and stab him.  
“How long are you taking to cum.”  
Kaworu struggled to mold his breath in a few words. "I want, I want this moment to last, because..."  
Shinji grabbed his wrist, snatched it off and started fucking and jerking him off furiously. Those sweet words, that look, they shouldn't have been there, they must not. Kaworu let himself go. He breathed heavily, wept softly, and let the sensations dig him as if he had decided to die. He came with a desperate silence, tensing and arching his back, as if struck at the heart, and took Shinji with him.  
Kaworu's thighs were dirty with blood, and his chest was dirty with sperm, up until his lips. The Third Children contemplated what he had done and realized he could not handle it. Kaworu's eyes were empty. How to take leave from that wreck? Trembling, he approached his cheeks so red, once so white.  
He gave him a gentle, coward kiss, on the clean side of his mouth. Then he started crying. He had said two opposite lies. One to Kaworu, the other to himself.

**Author's Note:**

> 1) as usual, English is not my mother tongue, so please tell me if you noticed grammar mistakes and I will correct them asap.  
> 2) *bumps fist on table* So. Here's my theory. I've never understood why Kaworu -manga, anime, rebuild Kaworu - should be the one "naturally" topping Shinji. He's an angel, he probably doesn't even know he has a penis. While Shinji, well. He is sexual frustration itself and he would probably bang the shit out of anything if he just overcame his self hatred. Also I bet he doesn't enjoy being passive in bed, because it's what he hates about his daily life - on the contrary I think he wants the power to do as he pleases in bed, he wants to be in control. Anime and rebuild Kaworu are eager to please him (and interested in human relationships in general) while having no emotional needs apparently, so they'd make very permissive and generous bottoms.  
> (Unfortunately I don't think Shinji is mature/healthy enough to handle manga Kaworu properly so here's the thing.)


End file.
